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General RP from the Black Blood Pact
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Topic: The Dark Stranger (Ashens Tale Ch.1) (Read 335 times)
Ashen
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« on: September 22, 2008, 06:13:25 PM »

13 year old Ardy curled up in his bed, hugging himself to keep warm.
He never liked nights like these, cold and dark despite the moon glowing through his window.
He listened to the horses pacing around the stable. They were uncomfortable.
Ardy understood. It was very cold. They were trying to keep warm.


His Father, Jackob, was fixing the fence near the south end of their farm and Ardy knew he must be frozen.
He pulled the blankets closer.


His father worked so hard on the farm, and Ardy would help him fix the house when it was broken.
But his father never let him work near the south end, and certainly not at night. There were wild animals in the woods to the south.
"Animals bigger than a man!" his friend Raen had said.


The horses were trotting faster and faster, letting out whinnes and kicking at the doors. What had them so upset?
"Cut it out would ya?" he heard his father belt out.


silence....





Ardys eyes began to droop... and he let the slow waves of sleep roll over him....


A sudden yelp jerked him straight up out of bed. "AHHHHG!". A scream. His Fathers.


Ardy Rushed out of bed and met his mother in the hall. Her eyes were wide with fright.
"Grab the gun" she yelled. Ardy was never allowed to touch Fathers gun. This must be serious.
They ran out into the mist together and ducked around the house towards the south fields.
A sense of dispair and dread filled the young boy as he ran though the mist. This wasnt natural.
The mist rolled back and they saw two shapes rolling on the ground. The first was the familiar shape of his father
but the second was a great wolf, black as the night, Eyes like embers fixed on the kill.
They hid behind a tree, just out of sight.

With one arm his Father was reaching for his knife, which lay not 2 feet out of reach and with the other he held the wolf back.
Blood already drenched the ground. His father was bleeding from the terrrible scratches on his chest.
His father cried out as the wolfs claws once again raked his chest.

Sensing victory the wolf waited......and pounced.
Ardy was sure his heart stopped.


A flash of steel.


Then silence....


The wolf's dead jaws hung limp, inches from His father's white face. The sword impaled through the wolf lifted it, and tossed it aside.
The family stared at the man who just saved their fathers life. Something about him was wrong, like it didnt belong.
He seemed darker than the darkness of the night around them, almost shrouded in it.


Silence....


"T...th...thank y..you" Ardys father stuttered to the man.
"Beautiful isnt it?" said a deep, dark voice that cut like a razor to Ardy's heart.
"P..pardon?" asked Ardys father.
"Such a beautiful night" Said the voice. "I couldnt let that wolf kill you"
"Y....you are m..most kind stranger" Replyed Ardys father.
Ardys mother held Ardy back when he tried to run to his father as he struggled to get up.
"Somethings not right" she whispered
"It would have been such a waste if you had been killed this night" repeated the stranger as he lent down to help the man up.
"I wouldn't have had any fun at all" he said, driving his sword straight through the mans leg, into the ground underneath.
Ardy's Father let out a blood curdling scream.
Ardy gasped, and his mother quickly covered his mouth to mask the noise. The stranger glanced up briefly, but Ardy was sure he hadn't been seen.

"The night is so young, and you have so much to experience" the stranger whispered as he heaved his sword out, spraying blood everywhere amidst the screams.
"Lets begin..."


For 3 hours, Ardy and his mother sat behind the tree, not daring to move, listing to the tortured screams of their loved one.
The screams ebbed, but his hoarse panting could still be heard.

The sound of soft footsteps approached the tree.
Ardy held his breath. A gentle thump of a plate covered boot next to him made him gasp for air.
Ardy turned and looked looked up at the man. His dark presence seemed to be made of tangible fear. Ardys scream began even before the powerful hands picked him up.






The stranger left them like he did everyone else, disfigured beyond recognition but still somehow....mostly intact.


And he was gone.







« Last Edit: September 22, 2008, 06:19:10 PM by Ashen » Logged
Blarlack
Guest
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2008, 10:19:23 PM »

This is delightfully perverse. I am quite a fan of this.

The only complaint I have is that the pacing seems rushed. With a story like this, that hinges more on the suspense and contains very little real action, I really think you want to slow it down. You added a lot of line breaks, and I'm not sure they serve you well - they seem to speed it up, rather than slowing it down. I'd honestly suggest making these into longer paragraphs, and trying to flesh out more description - not necessarily describing individual parts, but letting you get to know the father more, like him more, so that the story is even more twisted. The more you like a character, the less you want to see him killed, especially in a way that is just chaotically delicious, and I think it'd really improve this.

It's still a damn good story, though. Don't get me wrong.
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Ashen
Guest
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2008, 07:28:55 PM »

brilliant feedback! tyvm!!

will certainly keep this in mind for following stories!
Logged
Zemok
Guest
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2008, 09:41:06 PM »

With fan fiction, there is often a fine line to walk between being too brief and too long.

While you want the detail and the suspense...too much will bog it down and drag out the short piece that it should be.  In some aspects, it is easier to write a longer story.

It was entertaining, keep up the good work.  We can always use another writer within our folds.
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